Hello Ants, I have come to kill you.

It started last year when I moved back to my mom’s house; my war with the ants. I HATE ANTS! Crawling on stuff marching up walls- Blech. I end up imagining them walking on me…

They aren’t all over the house, just in the kitchen and the bathroom. I understand that they are God’s (take your pick-I like the idea of a Higher Power but don’t have one picked out) creatures and have a right to their lives. And they do, as long as they stay outside I have no problem. But as soon as they cross the threshold into the house they are mine!

These are smart ants. We put down fresh traps, and they walk around them. Being the librarian I am, I looked up natural remedies. I found a book full of home remedies that said ants can’t swim in soapy water. So I started wiping them up with a sponge full of soapy water-suffocating them.

All summer… as soon as I saw the line of ants climbing up the side of the fridge to whatever it is they found at the top, walking along the edge of the sink for absolutely no reason-Mom and I do not eat in the bathroom and I hope Joe doesn’t. I would go get the sponge and kill the ants. The book also said I should follow the ants back to their point of entry. One of their points of entry is a crack next to the kitchen window (I just found it.) The crack is just large enough for the ants, but not large enough for the crack filler.

We’ve had a blissfully ant free winter until last week. Torrential rains (the same storms that did so much damage all across Kentucky and other parts) drove the ants inside; into Mom’s kitchen and bath. I was here… there was much cussing and sponge use.

*I would like to take a little time to say how sorry I am for all the people who lost their homes and loved ones. I am a very sensitive person about some things; as soon as I hear the individual stories like the little girl from Indiana who was found in a field and taken to Kosair Children’s Hospital and the elderly woman who got stuck in a closet- who both died-I end up crying even though I didn’t know them. I know my ants are nothing compared to not having a home in which to battle the ants or a mom to share the battle.*

I am trying to take a philosophical approach to killing the ants. Like, I’ll go for hours without thinking about the ants, then I’ll see one in the kitchen or I walk into the bathroom and there’s 10 on the sink… that’s when I’m all, “Hello ants, I have come to kill you.” I have been squishing them then washing them down the drain to add insult to injury. Day before yesterday I walk into the bathroom and there is a big army of ants walking the wall edge of the bathtub. I grab my leave-in conditioner and spray it at them, just for kicks. And they stop moving. All of them are dead on contact…Who knew.

I wonder what the conditioner does to my hair.

We also got some yard pellet sprinkle, get it wet, let it dry yard stuff that the cats have to stay away from till it’s dry. I hate ants.

FYI I asked Mom if I could quit my job to pursue my writing career... She said no.